Practice Journal #2: Who you are becoming...

My cello is currently in the shop for repair and without it, my mind is buzzing with thoughts on my music practice. So here's another post for those interested in such things...For the rest of you, there will be more on the exciting activities I have been up to soon!

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There is no achievement only an endless unfolding. Ambition leads us astray. What is important in any skill we are developing is the process, not just of refining our technique, but of the person we are becoming.

This poem, shared by a friend, says it more succinctly and gently than I can.

...don't worry
who uses whose toothbrush or if anything
matches, at all.
Except one word to another. Or a thought.
Pursue the authentic - decide first
what is authentic,
then go after it with all your heart.

- excerpt from "Advice to Myself" by Louise Erdrich

In my practice recently I have been focusing on trying to remain loose and relaxed. Not just remembering to take a breath every once and a while, but of letting go of every effort to control the sound and instead remaining heavy and feeling the cello guide the bow. It has been extremely liberating and extremely challenging. The experience is one that each person has to find on their own terms - I had certainly heard and read of it before but that didn't allow me to internalize it enough for it to affect my playing.

My best attempt to describe it would be to liken it to learning how to ice skate. At first we are very unstable because we are scared and uncomfortable - we can't grip the ground anymore and don't trust the slickness of the ice or the thinness of the blade holding our weight. Because we have ideas in our mind of what stability feels like and how we normally find balance we try to force those same actions, often resulting in getting tense and not moving or losing control and falling. As we persevere we learn that when we focus on relaxing our weight and balancing instead of gripping and tensing, our feet can glide easily over the ice. In my cello practice right now, when I let go of the notions I have of how to form sound by pulling and applying pressure, I am able to glide easily over the string and produce a beautiful tone with ease (or at least the beginnings of a beautiful tone).

It takes me a lot of concentration to remain relaxed and not to try to take over control from the cello. And what has been most significant in this particular challenge is realizing how these physical tendencies are in line with the quality of my thoughts. I want to improve and produce a good sound - the sound I hear my teacher play in lessons, that I hear from Asha during her practice. But practicing the music is not worth carrying around frustration and self-deprecation when I can't make the sound I want happen right now. I don't want to be dedicating my life to music if it means ingraining a sense of dissatisfaction and anxiety in how I deal with myself.

Conversely, If every time I sit to practice I have to listen to hardly any sound come out of the cello for 15 minutes or an hour or three hours while I figure out how to drop the weight of my arm without trying to control the sound with pressure and tension but am feeling peaceful and relaxed in every note, I am completely satisfied with dedicating to the music. For in this state of mind I am practicing how to face, accept, and enjoy where I am, and practicing how to be patient with myself. It means I am constantly working towards a positive relationship with the music, and thus striving to develop integrity between myself and the music, staying aware of how much I love what I am doing. And this is the only way I can one day truly communicate the music and move people with something authentic.

Indian classical music is improvisational and contains so much to learn structurally, and so it demands this integration between mind and spirit to be able to immediately call up appropriate and effective performance. I never discussed these issues in Western music. Perhaps just because I never went as deeply in it. But I never sat down and said to myself, look at all that tension! Don't worry about this piece. Focus on the process, on who you are becoming. This perspective is what Indian music allows me to see, and perhaps what it has to offer to the world; self-realization and integrity. I know that all great musicians of any tradition find this, but I wonder if perhaps that integrity is more inherent in the pedagogy and the tradition. Perhaps I am just extremely lucky to have the gurus I do who have such integrity and such kindness and generosity from which I learn and grow everyday. Of that I am certain and so on that I will end.

Easy and simple and near...

In the past couple of months, I have learned just how big a role mental discipline and self-examination plays in my musical studies along with practicing technique. I wanted to share a part of that aspect of my life through something small but significant to my early days here.

During my first week in New Delhi I came across the poem "Sing the song of the moment..." by 19th century writer, composer, artist, and philosopher Rabindranath Tagore. Two lines immediately struck me:

With both hands snap the fetters you made with your own heart chords;

Take to your breast with a smile what is easy and simple and near.

These lines were especially relevant for how I was feeling during my transition alone in a new city away from people who meant the most to me. I am so grateful that my life is full of people I love and admire. After this summer I realized just how much I have developed and strengthened relationships with friends and family that are so refreshing, energizing, exciting, and healing. In one way my move to India and into the unknown was buoyed by that knowledge, but it also made me reluctant to leave behind all the people who are so important to me and enter a path that can be fairly lonely at times, even though gratifying.

As I creep slowly into adulthood and as my priorities and values begin to crystallize, it becomes harder to reconcile the desire to be independent with the desire to be surrounded by the people that fuel me with love and inspiration. Now that I am here, I can't imagine being anywhere else than India or doing anything else than studying Indian cello right now; I know I have made the right decision following a new path for a while longer.

My miniature altar I set up when I first got here

Committing to the cello and this music means every day practicing many more hours than I have ever before, listening to new artists, reading up on history and structure of Hindustani music, studying recordings of lessons, having the patience to keep sitting to practice when it feels like things aren't improving; of taking care of my body by doing yoga and meditation every morning. This commitment forces me closer to myself; to examine the unhealthy attachments to vices, including people, in my life that are insecurities and fears gone unaddressed and that impede concentration. It requires time and work to physically train the body and ear but also to train the mind to be disciplined and focused and get to know how I get distracted and how to center myself again.  

It also requires accepting how much my guru openly shares of her knowledge and letting myself be fully present in that relationship, unhindered by fears of judgement. The process of understanding the music little by little and of understanding myself is possible because of how generously my guru has taken me as a student and how much she shares of herself and her skills, and it is extremely rewarding.  In something requiring such isolated focus as this music, however, I find questions such as how long can I keep this up? Is there a limit to my commitment? can quickly arise within the course of playing just a few notes.

Commitment requires conviction. To commit to a relationship, to commit to music, the conviction is the same. Every day is a conscious decision to devote energy to whatever the practice brings that day without allowing whatever happens to change the strength of that commitment.  For me it required clearing the dusty layers of hesitation and self-doubt to make way for a burning determination and confidence. I needed to make that sense of vitality a physical reality, to feel and see the transformative force of that fire. Every time I sit to practice I light candles and honor the fire that burns in me (commitment and determination), the source of all fire (my guru and those who have come before), and the spark that burns tomorrow (the product of the practice I am about to make). This small ritual allows me to bring the cycle of my intention and commitment to the attention of my distractable mind so I can begin focused.

Accepting what is easy and simple and near means working towards what I want without struggle and understanding that everything is already ok, I just need to be patient. In the two lines Tagore is not asking to give up working hard, fighting for what we want, or abandon those who are far away. I have rather found in these lines a welcome reminder and an invitation to foster the love from relationships that are not near so they can embolden me, rather than consume me, and open me up to new communities; to pay attention to the opportunities that are presenting themselves in the moment and resolve to get the most out of them that I can; to fight for the positive and health-giving phenomena in my life and let go of the things out of my control. Tagore is telling me to keep going on my path and let the future reveal answers at its own pace.

Take to your breast with a smile what is easy and simple and near

The next morning after coming across Tagore's poem I walked outside to find this friend sitting in the rooftop garden outside my door. The words echoed in my mind "Take to your breast with a smile what is easy and simple and near." His meditative smile and content, peaceful, upturned gaze just seemed to say, "See how happiness and beauty is all around you!"

Rabin-giraffe Tagore, as my roommate Asha and I have now named him, greets me in the shade from the hot Delhi sun every morning and in a single breath I get to think of all of you; and I get to welcome all of the new people and opportunities in my life in this moment; and I get to smile back and renew my commitments and start my day.